Monday, September 22, 2003
The Theory of Relatively Bad Thinking

"It feels like my stomach is eating itself," the question that has eaten away at humankind for the last 2.5 centuries is, with the help of modern science, able to be proven true.

Tests suggest that after landing on the moon, astronauts "Buzz" Aldrin and the-guy-who-is-not-"Buzz" (Lance Armstrong or something to that effect) returned with alien germ-like organisms embedded into their space suits. These organisms then burrowed painlessly into the two astronauts’ skin, and began the infamous symbiosis known by all today. This organism is called Stom-Ache: "Stom" from the Stom crater on the moon (where the germ came from), and "Ache" from the ache that the crater caused in the moon. This name is shortened to "stomach". Before the moon landing, earthlings survived by the "earthworm way" meaning that they put random objects into their mouths in hopes that the correct nutrients would be absorbed before the quick excretion of that object. The Stomachs in the two astronauts grew rapidly, and began reproducing to form a symbiotic relationship with all Mankind.

A symbiotic relationship can be defined as: "A close, prolonged association between two or more different organisms of different species that may, but do not necessarily, benefit each member." In this case both members benefit. The stomach has greatly helped humans function by allowing them to eat every now and then, and still survive the day. A great many things have come about because of the newfound relationship, but to invest the time in recalling every benefit would be ridiculous.

Needless to say, humans benefit the most from the symbiosis, but what of the Stomach? Before the relationship, the Stomach did not have a host to grow, reproduce in, and feed off of—a base of operations. The Stomach is of course thankful that it can live out it’s existence in a host. Therefore the two members of the symbiosis benefit.

On to proving the statement. The Stomach does not only digest the food that humans eat, but also it releases special enzymes which enhance the saliva produced by the human host to improve in the pre-digestion of the food. Every time a human eats, drinks, or even swallows, he swallows some of his own saliva. The enzymes are always present in the saliva, and go down to the Stomach. Therefore when a human swallows, the Stomach is eating itself.

The statement "It feels like my stomach is eating itself," is inarguably true, and in some cases even more true (ulcers etc.).

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A webjournal of ideas, comments, and various other miscellany from a Texan university student (with occasional input from his family) living in Toronto, Ontario. Can you say "culture shock?"

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